Think-Talk

I watched one of Iyanla Vanzant’s show one day after a long absence. The episode was “What gets in the way of finding that one love you want?” I sat to watch as I was curious to see and hear if there will be some surprises or if I am simply old-fashioned regarding the topic.

Iyanla Vanzant Show is a regular on Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN). I’m unsure if the particular episode was new or a rerun. Three hundred ladies (a large sample in my opinion) from diverse races, work lives and ages who supposedly couldn’t find love, were invited to share their experiences. Unbeknownst to them, fifty men of equally diverse races, ages and work lives, were behind the curtains watching and listening. Iyanla posed three main questions, offered her advice, and brought the guys out to offer their opinions. We also watched one of the ladies who was set up with three different dates and how she turned each one down because she had criteria that the men didn’t meet. Two of the guys requested a second date, while one wasn’t keen on returning for a second date. As an onlooker, I felt that two of the guys looked eligible enough, but who am I to decide for her, right?

I share the questions and answers below:

Question #1. What gets in the way of finding that one love you want?

Question #2: What is it that you don’t want a man to know about you?

Ladies’ Answers:

• over analyzing everything (turns me insecure)
• not direct with what I want and getting upset when he doesn’t give it
• laziness
• all the good ones are taken
• men cannot be trusted
• I don’t need a man
• I’m scared (my fear is blocking...)
• I don’t see the red light
• have too many expectations.

Iyanla’s Ten Advices /Comments:

1. What goes on in your mind, goes on outside
2. Anything that moves you to be self-reliant, self-independent, self-…, moves in the way
3. If you don’t give up that air, he can’t show up.
4. Your criteria blocks your intimacy with the guy
5. Be willing to be vulnerable and to do something different
6. You see the lights but ignore them
7. People violate you when you don’t give them clear values
8. Your boyfriend is not your girlfriend. Don’t say/do to/with your boyfriend what you should be saying/doing with your girlfriends
9. Don’t do the “fight” stance (that is, standing akimbo with or without tapping your feet and the snapping of fingers) it makes the man run!
10. Take the mask off.

The next question was addressed to the men:

Question #3: Why don’t you call when you say you will?

• not interested
• don’t want to disappoint you
• fear of rejection
• the chase is the man’s job; don’t do it for us … We don’t want a lady who’s thirsty. (ouch!)

Now you have it, ladies? Do you see yourself in any of the responses? Next time when you wonder why it seems hard to find that special one, hopefully you take something away from this.

Did I say that I was from the old school who still believes that the man ought to seek the lady out? If I didn’t, now you know. This is a conversation that I have had with tons of young ladies and most times they respectfully disagree with the ever-ready response that “it is different now.” This Show proves that, when it comes to dating and love, nothing much has changed except the years, from 70s, to 90s, to the 21st century. The foundations remain constant. True or true?!

Let’s Reason Together

There’s nothing wrong in setting criteria for that special person that you’d like to spend the rest of your life with. But a perfect being who can find? I think it’s only wise not to be rigid. In setting a 10-point criteria, any point beyond 7 is still a pass mark, right? So we need to cut ourselves some slack.

In being too picky one tends to strike out the potentials.

Finally, one with potentials (future value) is always better than the best one now (present value) who can’t hold it together for the long haul.

What are your thoughts on the questions posed and corresponding answers? Differing thoughts? We would all like to hear them and learn. Gentlemen, please chime in as well.

Thank you.