The Vacuum Metaphor

Your Values and Core Values must have been known, understood, and worn like a futuristic collar around your neck way before marriage. This is necessary so you don’t enter into marriage and lose yourself.

If there is a vacuum in one’s life, it can be filled by anything. But if the life is filled with tangible materials (in this case, your Values and Core Values), it will be difficult, if not impossible, to add anything to it. You will be the one to decide what else can be added to it.

I hope you get the idea. Nature definitely abhors vacuum.

Values and Core Values in Marriage

In marriage, values serve as the foundation upon which a strong relationship is built. They encompass beliefs, principles, and priorities that guide how a couple interacts, communicates, and makes decisions together.

Core values are those deeply held beliefs that are fundamental to who we are as individuals and as a couple.

Values are negotiable; Core Values are non-negotiable.

While some values in marriage are negotiable and can evolve over time through open communication and compromise, others are non-negotiable and form the essential pillars of the relationship. Here’s a few breakdown:

Negotiable Values

Preferences:

These include lifestyle choices such as where to live, how to spend leisure time, or career paths. While they may hold significance, they can often be adjusted through compromise.

Hobbies and Interests:

Couples may have differing interests, and while it’s beneficial to share common activities, it’s also healthy to respect each other’s individual pursuits.

Parenting Styles:

While both partners should align on core principles of parenting, specific methods and approaches can be negotiated and adapted over time.

Non-negotiable Values:

Trust:

Trust forms the bedrock of any successful marriage. Betrayal of trust, whether through infidelity or dishonesty, can severely damage the relationship.

Respect:

Mutual respect is crucial for maintaining a healthy dynamic. Disrespectful behavior, such as belittling or dismissing each other’s feelings, erodes the foundation of the marriage.

Communication:

Effective communication is vital for resolving conflicts, expressing needs, and fostering intimacy. Without open and honest communication, misunderstandings can arise, leading to resentment and distance.

Commitment:

Marriage inherently involves a commitment to each other’s well-being, growth, and happiness. Without a shared commitment to the relationship’s longevity and success, it becomes challenging to weather challenges and obstacles together.

Handling The Non-Negotiable Values

Handling the non-negotiable values requires sensitivity, patience, and a willingness to work through challenges together. It is important to discuss these before tying the knot.

For example, if family is high on your Core Values list and you’d like to start one soon, I’m sure you’ll agree that tying the knot with another who doesn’t care about having children, and would rather have pets instead, is calling for a marriage disaster, right?

And you don’t get married and find out that your preferences are incongruous.

I must however add that people change. Though people are dynamic, the Core Values are static. Change should therefore be a pre-marriage discussion.

When those changes occur, here are some suggestions for handling the non-negotiables:

Establish Boundaries:

Clearly define boundaries around non-negotiable values to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts now or in the future.

Seek Professional Help:

If issues arise around non-negotiable values, consider seeking guidance from a couples therapist or counselor who can facilitate constructive dialogue and provide tools for resolution.

Practice Empathy:

Try to understand your partner’s perspective and feelings, even if you disagree. Empathy fosters compassion and strengthens emotional bonds.

Prioritize Compromise:

While non-negotiable values cannot be compromised, finding common ground on related issues or seeking alternative solutions can help bridge differences. •

Reaffirm Commitment:

Regularly reaffirm your commitment to each other and to upholding the non-negotiable values that form the foundation of your marriage.

By navigating negotiable and non-negotiable values with mutual respect and understanding, couples can cultivate a resilient and fulfilling partnership built on shared principles and genuine connection.