I describe men who act abusively or neglectfully in relationships as “hommes fatales.” These types of men tend to operate from a place of ignorance, entitlement, or deep-seated insecurities using (or rather, dangling), their money power as a means or bait. It is ignorance and manifests as a failure to recognize the long-term consequences of their actions, especially in how they treat their female partners.

These men are “charmers” and often don’t look their acts. They also often appear humble to the public, but privately are ravenous wolves. Sex, lies, tantrums, drugs, and video tapes are their MO and MV (modi operandi/modes (ways) of operation and modi vivendi/modes (ways) of living). May God help them and us all.

Characteristics of Homme Fatale

These type of men are in our midst as fathers, brothers, uncles, cousins, friends, neighbors, business partners, and or colleagues. They need help.

Here’s a list of characteristics of Hommes Fatales, with brief descriptions that will help these men to understand themselves (self-awareness) and warn women to recognize these traits and approach with caution.

As stated in my post (click to read), ignorance is pointed out by others. As such, the list also serves as a guide for us all to recognize and help these men.

ignorance can no longer be a shield from responsibility

1. Charming but Manipulative

Homme fatale knows how to use his charisma to get what he wants, often leaving people feeling deceived or misled after the initial attraction fades.

2. Emotionally Unavailable

Though he may appear affectionate at first, he is detached and rarely invests emotionally in relationships, leaving partners frustrated and unfulfilled. Most intentionally avoid the comforts of their homes as a result under various guises, especially that of working late.

3. Intensely Mysterious

He keeps his thoughts, feelings, and past hidden, creating an allure that draws people in. However, this secrecy often leads to mistrust and insecurity.

The female in the homme fatale’s life wonder why he doesn’t hold hands and smiles/charms everyone in public just after a wild tantrum at home. A narcissistic behavior under guise!

4. Powerful Presence

He commands attention when he walks into a room, using his physical appearance, confidence, or status to attract others, but often for selfish gain.

5. Addictive Personality

Relationships with him can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. He can be thrilling, but also exhausting and destructive, making it hard for women to break away.

6. Self-Centered

His needs and desires come first. He may be generous with his time and attention initially, but over time, it becomes clear that he prioritizes his well-being above the relationship. The narcissistic again.

7. Lack of Accountability

He listens to no one and when things go wrong, he rarely takes responsibility for his actions, often blaming others or external circumstances for his mistakes.

8. Serial Seducer

He enjoys the chase and conquest of new romantic interests, often jumping from one relationship to the next without genuine commitment or loyalty.

However, there is a homme fatale kind who stays in a long-term relationship, but seeks attention/admiration from other women thus giving them the attention that’s meant for the woman at home.

9. Uses Emotions as a Weapon

He is skilled at playing on others’ emotions, using guilt, pity, or anger to manipulate and control those around him.

10. Fear of Commitment

Despite engaging in romantic relationships, he avoids long-term commitments and may sabotage potential stability, leaving his partners confused and hurt.

Women should recognize these traits and be cautious, as Hommes Fatales can cause emotional damage over time. For men who identify with these characteristics, it’s an opportunity to reflect and work toward healthier relationship habits.

Hommes Fatales’ Reasons

Below are some reasons why this happens and how such behavior leads to costly consequences, both emotionally and financially, when their actions are exposed or when the relationship ends.

Control and Power Dynamics
One of the main reasons some men act “beastly” in relationships is their desire to assert control. This often stems from societal or personal beliefs that men should dominate or lead in relationships, while the woman should be submissive. In such dynamics, men may intentionally withhold emotional, financial, or physical support as a way to maintain control. However, this backfires, especially when the woman decides to leave or the relationship collapses, resulting in significant financial and personal consequences like alimony, child support, or even reputational damage.

Emotional Immaturity and Insecurity
Many men who behave this way may be emotionally immature or insecure. They may lack the emotional intelligence to communicate their fears or anxieties, leading them to act out through aggression, neglect, or emotional manipulation. Instead of addressing issues directly or working on their insecurities, they project these feelings onto their partners, often depriving them of the love and respect they deserve. Unfortunately, this behavior only leads to resentment and, eventually, a breakdown of the relationship that can have far-reaching consequences.

Ignorance of Legal and Financial Repercussions
Many men fail to consider the legal and financial consequences of their behavior. When they deprive their partners of basic emotional, physical, or financial support, they are setting the stage for future legal battles that could cost them far more in the long run. For instance, divorces involving abusive or neglectful partners can lead to hefty settlements, loss of child custody, and lifelong financial obligations, all of which could have been avoided with a healthier, more equitable relationship dynamic.

Entitlement and Gender Expectations
Cultural conditioning often plays a role in creating a sense of entitlement in men, leading them to believe they deserve more from the relationship while giving less. This entitlement may be rooted in traditional gender roles, where men are seen as the “providers” while women are expected to handle domestic responsibilities without much reciprocity. This dynamic leads to the exploitation of women, which can have dire consequences when they realize their worth and choose to leave.

Lack of Awareness of Emotional Costs
Men who behave poorly in relationships may not realize the emotional damage they inflict on their partners or themselves. Over time, the emotional neglect and abuse take a toll on both parties. For women, this often leads to a sense of isolation, depression, and a loss of self-worth. For the men, the consequences may not be immediately visible, but they eventually pay a high price when their actions cause deep resentment, and the relationship deteriorates. Divorce, separation, and the loss of a family structure can be emotionally devastating for all involved, particularly for men who realize too late the cost of their behavior.

I pray that a light bulb switches on for these men (the homme fatales) and they wake up sooner than later.

Underestimating the Strength and Independence of Women
Another critical factor is that some men still cling to outdated notions that women are weak or dependent on them for survival. This ignorance leads them to believe they can treat their partners poorly without facing repercussions. However, today’s women are increasingly independent, educated, and empowered, meaning they are more likely to stand up for themselves, leave abusive relationships, and seek justice through legal and financial channels. When men underestimate this strength, they end up paying far more—emotionally and financially—when the woman takes action. Ironically, the money they refused to willingly share or give, will now be “forcefully” taken out of their hands and accounts.

Failure to Value Intimacy and Partnership
Some men simply don’t understand or appreciate the value of emotional intimacy and partnership. They may prioritize other aspects of life, such as work, finances, or personal ambition, over their relationships, taking their partners for granted. This “beastly” neglect of the emotional needs of the relationship leads to dissatisfaction and eventual separation. When relationships end, many men come to realize the intangible value of the connection they lost, which no financial settlement can restore.

Hereditary or Environmental Problem?

Except in Christ Jesus, man does not wake up and automatically becomes a new being. The traits of an Homme Fatale can stem from both hereditary and environmental factors, but they are not necessarily predetermined. Here’s how both aspects can play a role:

Homme Fatale traits are often a combination of genetic predispositions and learned behaviors.

Hereditary Factors:

1. Personality Traits: Certain personality characteristics, such as narcissism, impulsivity, or a tendency toward manipulation, may have a genetic basis. For example, if a man comes from a family where emotional detachment or charm runs in the bloodline, he might be predisposed to these behaviors.
   Likewise, if a child witnessed his/her parents physical abuse, the child is prone to repeating such tendencies if intentional action is not taken. Those actions could include seeking spiritual help or counseling.
2. Mental Health Disorders: Some mental health issues that affect emotional regulation, empathy, or attachment (like psychopathy or borderline personality disorder) may have genetic links. These could contribute to Homme Fatale’s tendencies if not managed properly.

Environmental Factors:

1. Family Dynamics:  Growing up in a dysfunctional family, especially one where manipulation, dishonesty, or unhealthy relationship dynamics are normalized, can strongly influence someone to adopt similar behaviors in their own relationships. Acknowledging such behaviors and, as stated above, intentionally doing something about it will help avert a pass-down of such behaviors. Never sweep it under the rug. Yes, we don’t air our dirty laundry/ies in the public, but there is a need for confidential disclosure because what you sweep under the rug will, some day, air its ugly head in the public you were trying to avoid.
2. Role Models and Society: If a man is exposed to role models (parents, older siblings, celebrities) who exhibit Homme Fatale traits, he might imitate those behaviors. Society’s glorification of charming, emotionally detached, or “bad boy” figures can also encourage men to take on these personas.
3. Trauma and Defense Mechanisms: Men who have experienced emotional trauma, such as abandonment, betrayal, or abuse, may develop Homme Fatale characteristics as a defense mechanism. They might shut down emotionally to protect themselves from being hurt again.
4. Cultural Influences: Cultural norms that reinforce male dominance, power, and control in relationships can encourage men to embrace manipulative or emotionally distant behaviors, thinking it’s a sign of strength or masculinity.

Spiritual Factors:

There is a third kind; often ignored and less-talked about. The dark spiritual world that these guys have ignorantly or deliberately joined is also a factor. Despite their desire to be of “good behavior”, the dark spirituality makes it harder for them to leave the behavior unless a higher power of light delivers them from it.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can. – MLK Jr.

In summary, Homme Fatale traits are often a combination of genetic predispositions, learned behaviors from the environment, and dark spiritual entanglements. While someone may be more prone to these traits due to family, genetics, or spirituality, their environment and personal experiences play a huge role in shaping how these tendencies manifest. That said, they are not unchangeable—self-awareness, therapy, and a desire for healthier relationships can help men overcome these tendencies.

Consequences of Ignorance in Relationships

Men who act without regard for their partner’s well-being often pay a steep price when their ignorance catches up to them. The costs include:

• Financial Loss: Divorce settlements, alimony, child support, and legal fees can financially cripple those who failed to invest emotionally in the relationship.
• Emotional Damage: Many men realize too late that they have sacrificed meaningful relationships for temporary power or control, leading to a life of emotional loneliness.
• Reputation: In today’s society, abusive or neglectful behavior is less likely to remain private. Public exposure of mistreatment can result in reputational damage that affects personal and professional relationships.
• Loss of Family and Support Networks: Often, men who mistreat their partners lose the support of their families, children, and social circles, leaving them isolated.

Correcting Ignorance and Preventing Long-Term Costs

To avoid the harsh consequences of such ignorance, men need to shift their mindset toward emotional intelligence, empathy, and respect in their relationships. The earlier this is done, the better. Here’s how they can start:

• Self-Reflection: Men should regularly evaluate their behavior and relationships, asking themselves whether they are truly giving their best to their partners. Honest self-reflection can highlight areas where change is needed.
• Seek Therapy or Counseling: Emotional insecurities and destructive patterns can often be addressed with the help of a professional. Therapy can provide insights into why they behave the way they do and how to improve.
• Improve Communication: Learning how to communicate openly, without defensiveness, is crucial in building stronger relationships. This includes listening, expressing emotions healthily, and resolving conflicts without resorting to aggression or neglect.
• Value Emotional Investments: Men need to recognize that emotional investments—showing affection, building trust, and respecting their partners—are just as important as financial investments. A healthy relationship offers returns far beyond material wealth.

Conclusion

This is a general genuinely-concerned post and not a man-bashing one. For every generalization, there are exceptions. We therefore acknowledge that there are exceptional men out there in exceptional relationships and marriages.

This is also a post to help those who, ignorantly or knowingly, have characteristics of homme fatale or practice its works.

Ignorance Leads to Consequences, Awareness Leads to Growth

The “homme fatale” who acts abusively or neglectfully in a relationship ultimately pays the price for his ignorance. However, by recognizing and correcting these behaviors, these men can build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Ignorance in relationships is not just a personal flaw but a pathway to regret, loss, and loneliness—unless it is addressed with humility, empathy, and awareness. Outcomes of being a homme fatale affects not only those involved, but communities and societies at large. Let’s help the homme fatale in our midst.