The old adage, “Show me your friends, and I’ll tell you who you are,” often holds true in several cases, but particularly where men engage in destructive behaviors without intervention from their social circles. There are several reasons why friends may fail to advise or step in, and it’s often tied to social dynamics, cultural norms, or even their own personal failings.
You are as great (or small) as the circle you belong to or find yourself.
Let’s explore some of the key reasons why these men’s friends might not step in to correct such behavior:
- Birds of a Feather
Often, men who exhibit harmful behaviors toward their ladies/women are surrounded by friends who share similar mindsets or attitudes. This creates an echo chamber where destructive actions are normalized or encouraged. If a man’s friends also treat their partners poorly or believe in traditional power dynamics where men hold dominance over women, they are unlikely to challenge his behavior. In these cases, they may even reinforce the negative actions by commiserating or making light of abusive tendencies.
If all of these friends are engaging in similar behavior, they may lack the awareness to see it as wrong, or they could fear being labeled hypocritical if they criticize someone else. This makes it difficult for change to occur within that circle. Such men often detest other social circles where those destructive behaviors are foreign and frowned upon.
- Toxic Masculinity and Testosterone (Peer) Pressure
Toxic masculinity can play a major role in why men’s friends don’t call out bad behavior. Some men may feel that addressing issues like emotional neglect or abuse goes against their understanding of what it means to be “manly.” They might believe that real men should remain silent about emotions or personal matters, particularly those involving women, and they may fear looking weak if they show concern or vulnerability in confronting a friend.
Testosterone (Peer) pressure can reinforce this. In male-dominated social circles, there’s often an unspoken code that discourages men from criticizing each other’s relationships, especially if the behavior in question is seen as a demonstration of power or control. Men in these environments may feel pressure to conform to the group’s behavior, even if they personally disapprove.
- Fear of Conflict or Alienation
Many people, including men, avoid conflict with friends, especially if the friendship is long-standing or closely-knit. They may fear that calling out harmful behavior could result in the loss of a friend or lead to an uncomfortable confrontation. The desire to maintain the status quo often outweighs the need to challenge negative actions, particularly if they don’t see the immediate harm in their friend’s behavior.
This reluctance is also tied to a lack of skills in constructive confrontation. Not all men know how to approach delicate subjects without it escalating into a fight, so they may choose to stay silent to avoid damaging the friendship.
- Ignorance or Denial of the Problem
Sometimes, a man’s friends may not recognize the full extent of his behavior or the harm it’s causing. They might see only a fraction of the relationship or believe his version of events, without realizing how much he’s depriving or mistreating his lady. If the man downplays or justifies his behavior when discussing it with his friends, they may be ignorant of how serious the issue really is.
Alternatively, friends might be in denial because they don’t want to believe someone close to them is capable of such behavior. This cognitive dissonance can prevent them from addressing the issue, as it’s easier to look the other way than confront a harsh reality.
- Personal Failures and Guilt
In some cases, the friends might recognize the problem but feel guilty about their own failings, preventing them from speaking up. They may realize that they, too, are guilty of similar behaviors in their own relationships, making it uncomfortable or hypocritical to give advice. Their silence could be a reflection of their personal shortcomings and a way to avoid introspection about their own lives.
When people are not living up to the standards they expect from others, they are less likely to intervene because it forces them to confront their own flaws.
- Apathy or Disinterest in Others’ Personal Lives
There’s a degree of apathy that can sometimes arise in friendships, where people believe what happens in someone else’s relationship isn’t their business. Some friends may take a hands-off approach, believing that personal matters should stay private, and that offering unsolicited advice could be seen as meddling. This apathy often leads to a “not my problem” attitude, where friends distance themselves from the situation instead of addressing it head-on.
This lack of intervention can be particularly harmful, as silence often serves as passive encouragement for the negative behavior to continue.
- Misunderstanding Loyalty
Some friends (and family members) believe that loyalty means standing by their friend no matter what, even when that person is in the wrong. They may feel that supporting their friend involves siding with them against anyone else, including their partner. Instead of guiding their friend to do better, they might justify or downplay the harmful actions, believing that true friendship is about “having their back,” regardless of the situation.
This distorted sense of loyalty often makes it hard for people to hold their friends accountable, as they wrongly associate criticism with betrayal.
- Fear of the Friend’s Reaction
Many men who exhibit beastly behavior toward their ladies/women are also likely to be difficult to confront. They may be defensive, aggressive, or dismissive if challenged, making their friends hesitant to speak up. The fear of an angry or hostile reaction can be enough to prevent even well-meaning friends from intervening, as they may believe it’s not worth the fallout.
If a man is prone to reacting poorly to criticism, his friends might choose silence to avoid the stress or drama that could come from confrontation.
Conclusion: True Friends Hold Each Other Accountable
The saying, “Show me your friends, and I’ll tell you who you are,” is often true because friends influence each other’s behaviors, values, and decisions. When a man acts poorly in his relationship and his friends remain silent, it can reflect a toxic culture within the friendship group, where harmful actions are either normalized or ignored.
true friendship isn’t about silent support; it’s about accountability, honesty, and mutual respect and growth.
However, true friendship isn’t about silent support; it’s about accountability, honesty, and mutual growth. Friends who truly care will speak up when they see their friend going down a harmful path, even if it risks discomfort. Those who fail to intervene may not only allow the destructive behavior to continue, but they also risk being complicit in it by association.
It’s better to lose the friend by speaking up to condemn his destructive behaviors than being silent. Conscience-conscious. In the end, the friend might deflect on you to ask, “why didn’t you tell me then?!”
“if you do warn them, and they keep on sinning, they will die because of their sins, and you will be innocent.”
Ezekiel 3:19 CEV
The key to overcoming this dynamic lies in fostering more emotionally intelligent friendships, where vulnerability, respect, accountability, and growth are prioritized. Real friends help each other be better, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Think-Talk 