“You don’t have to lose yourself to love someone, and you don’t have to lose your spouse to find yourself. True love exists in balance.”

Continuing on Self Love; the aptitude to love yourself first, in order to be able to love your spouse (or others).

From Part 1

In the previous post, we emphasized why Self-Love is essential in relationships, shared practical ways to cultivate it, including the transformational power of Self-Love in a relationship. We also looked at how Self-Love can be misconstrued as selfishness in a marriage or relationship. We also offered ways to navigate the imbalance between Self-Love and Selfishness.

Part 2

A constant bone of contention in marriage is sex. Right?   Let’s look at a couple’s scenarios as it relates to Self-Love, Selfishness, and this classic bone of contention:

Self-love, for one (often, the husband) is having and satisfying himself with sex multiple times a day.  He goes to work and, on return, sits down with the tv remote in hand, flipping channels, all night waiting for his wife, who also worked her 9-to-5 job, got home to prepare dinner, helped the kids with homework and prepared all for next day, before settling down for the night, to be done.  As son as the wife sits, Mr. sighs “relief, she’s finally done.” He cozies up to the wife with the intention of being romantic. They both know what’s going on and what the next thing will be. Unfortunately for him, the wife says “not tonight, honey, I’m tired.”

Who in this scenario is self-loving and who is selfish?

This is a classic scenario where self-love and selfishness clash in a marriage, particularly regarding physical intimacy and emotional labor. Let’s break it down.

Who is Self-Loving? Who is Selfish?

1. The Wife’s Perspective:

• She prioritizes her well-being by acknowledging her exhaustion. Saying “no” to sex when she is mentally and physically drained is an act of self-love, not rejection.

• She has spent her energy fulfilling responsibilities, ensuring the family’s well-being. She is not neglecting her husband but simply needs rest and recovery.

• If she forces herself to be intimate just to avoid conflict, she is neglecting her own needs, which could lead to resentment over time.

2. The Husband’s Perspective:

• He desires intimacy, which is valid. However, his actions indicate selfishness, as he does not consider his wife’s exhaustion.

• Instead of helping with dinner, the kids, or household tasks, he expects his wife to meet his needs while he relaxes. This imbalance creates emotional and physical fatigue for her.

• If he truly practiced self-love, he would also prioritize the well-being of their relationship, not just his immediate physical desires.

Where is the Imbalance?

The wife is practicing self-love by setting boundaries, but the husband is being selfish by prioritizing his needs without reciprocating effort in the household.

However, if the wife constantly rejects intimacy without communication or compromise, that too could become neglect, leading to emotional distance. But in this specific case, the husband’s lack of contribution to the shared workload makes his demands seem self-serving rather than rooted in love and partnership.

How to Navigate This Situation Without Resentment

1. The Husband Needs to Shift From Selfishness to Self-Love

• Self-love isn’t just about receiving love but also giving it. If he values intimacy, he should invest in making his wife feel valued, supported, and relaxed.

• He should share household responsibilities so his wife has more energy and emotional capacity for intimacy.

• If he truly loves his wife, he should recognize that forcing the issue does not create true intimacy—it creates obligation.

2. The Wife Should Express Her Needs Beyond “I’m Tired”

• Instead of just saying, “Not tonight, I’m tired,” she could invite him into her experience:

• “I love being close to you, but after working, cooking, and helping the kids, I feel drained. If we can find ways to balance things better, I’ll have more energy for us.”

• This shifts the conversation from rejection to teamwork.

3. Meet Each Other Halfway: Building Intimacy Beyond Just Sex

• If the husband helps lighten his wife’s load, he increases the likelihood of her having the energy for intimacy.

• The wife, in turn, could express love in non-physical ways if she’s too tired—such as cuddling, affirmations, or quality conversation—to maintain connection.

• Scheduling intentional intimate time (rather than last-minute expectations) can also help—so both partners can prepare emotionally and physically.

Final Verdict: Self-Love Means Prioritizing the Relationship, Not Just Individual Desires

• The husband is selfish in this scenario because he prioritizes his desires over his wife’s exhaustion without helping ease her burden.

• The wife is practicing self-love by acknowledging her limits, but she should also ensure that intimacy isn’t completely neglected—just communicated better.

• True self-love in marriage means mutual consideration — both partners caring for themselves AND each other.

A healthy marriage balances self-love and shared love; not one person giving endlessly while the other just receives.

Will it be different if the wife was a stay-at-home spouse?

I’m glad you asked. Yes, the response would shift only slightly if the wife were a stay-at-home wife or mom. The core principle, however, remains the same: self-love means balancing personal well-being with relationship care, while selfishness disregards the needs of the partner.

Would the Wife Still Be Practicing Self-Love?

Absolutely. Being a stay-at-home wife/mom, contrary to the working husband’s belief, does not mean she has unlimited energy or should be available for intimacy on demand.

• Running a household is a full-time job. Cooking, cleaning, managing the home, and (if kids are involved) childcare are exhausting responsibilities. All pro bono!

• Just because she doesn’t have a 9-to-5 outside the home doesn’t mean she isn’t working all day.

• If she feels drained by the end of the night and says, “I’m tired,” it is still valid. Acknowledging exhaustion and setting boundaries is self-love, not neglect.

Would the Husband Still Be Selfish?

It depends on his level of involvement.

1. If he works all day and comes home expecting to relax while his wife continues working nonstop, then yes, he is still being selfish.

• If his wife spends the day taking care of the home and kids, she deserves rest just as much as he does.

• If he only views his job as “hard work” but doesn’t recognize the labor involved in homemaking, then he lacks appreciation for her role.

2. If he actively participates in household duties after work and his wife constantly rejects intimacy without communication, the situation shifts.

• If she’s not engaging in sex due to genuine exhaustion, that’s fair.

• However, if intimacy is always put on the back burner without discussion or alternative ways to connect, the husband’s needs also become a factor.

How This Couple Can Navigate It

If the Wife Feels Overwhelmed as a Stay-at-Home Partner

• She should express her exhaustion and workload, so her husband understands that she, too, needs support.

• If childcare and housework are the cause of exhaustion, she can ask for more help or occasional breaks.

• She can suggest non-sexual ways to maintain intimacy (cuddling, quality time) on nights she is too tired.

If the Husband Feels His Needs Aren’t Being Met

• He should validate her exhaustion rather than dismiss it as an excuse.

• He can ask, “What can I do to help you feel more relaxed and connected?” instead of assuming she should always be available.

• If sex is a major point of frustration, they should find a balance — whether through scheduling intimacy, adjusting expectations, or exploring ways to maintain closeness without pressure.

Final Verdict: Adjusting Perspective on Work and Emotional Labor

• The wife is still practicing self-love by honoring her limits.

• The husband is selfish if he ignores his wife’s daily workload just because she isn’t working outside the home.

• Mutual self-love would involve the husband appreciating his wife’s labor, the wife ensuring intimacy isn’t completely neglected, and both working toward balance and connection rather than obligation.

Ultimately, whether the wife is a working professional or a stay-at-home wife/mother, her exhaustion is valid. A healthy marriage requires both partners to recognize each other’s efforts and meet each other’s needs without entitlement or neglect.

I hope this post is relatable and helpful. If you experienced this bone of contention in your marriage, how did you navigate it? Share your thoughts in the Comments; it might mean the difference that helps another save their marriage.