This is the third in this Series. We’re talking about men and their multiple relationships, especially in marriages, and the women who aide them. We acknowledge that it’s an age-long issue. But, should we allow it to remain forever? Jump in and let’s have a conversation to understand all points of view.
In Part 2, we listed the reasons (or excuses, depending on which side you’re on) why men naturally gravitated towards polyamorous relationships. Click here to read Part 2 if you missed it.
Anchor quote;
“Self-control, commitment, and the ability to prioritize emotional bonds over fleeting desires differentiate humans from animals. It’s really the essence of what sets committed relationships apart from fleeting desires.”
This statement/quote supports the notion that men are indeed capable of mono-amorous relationships. Based on this is the question: “if they are (capable of mono-gamous/amorous, why aren’t/don’t they ?” The answer beckons that there must indeed be other deeply-rooted dynamics at play. What could those be?
If men are involved in polyamorous relationships, those relationships often bear children. What drives men to bear multiple children, particularly when most of these men are incapable of taking care of them.
In this Part 3, we attempt to answer the question of why men have tons of children. Please read on.
My Experiences
I want to point out that I was born and raised in a polygamous family. My Dad had twenty children. Yes, you heard me, twenty. He is one of tons of Nigerian men with tons of children. His number is minimal compared to others. You’d think these men were in competition breeding seeds.
I am his first daughter, but his #4. I was the vocal child. Whereas my siblings would refuse to say the hard things to our Dad, I wasn’t afraid to tell him what he needed to know or hear. I used to ask him: “what are you looking for; Dad, and how many more children do you want?” He used to say, “How would you have been born if I hadn’t had all my children … I want two football (soccer) teams and reserves.” To which I would respond, “Dad, I would have come into another family.”
I knew what was driving my Dad. But Dad, like most parents of his era, is of the old school; very traditional though educated, successful and well-traveled. Traveling is educational – you learn first-hand about other cultures. But, sadly, Dad was the kind that still believes that a woman’s place is in the kitchen. Though I knew what was driving my Dad, telling him was futile. After twenty children, my Dad asked me, a few years before he passed away, to come to Nigeria and escort him to go ask for a lady’s hands in marriage! My reply: “Dad, if I do, it will show that I am in support. But I’m not. Go and reconcile with the ones you left.” Of course, my Dad didn’t like my response,
Anywho, I said all that to let you know that I’m writing from first-hand experience on this issue.
Deep-Rooted Wounds and Other Dynamics
I propose to you that there are deeper psychological, societal, and even religious dynamics at play when a man goes uncontrollably having children with every woman. Soul wounds. The father wounds. The wounds of the heart.
If a man has just one-gendered children, (i.e., all boys or all girls) it’s often said that he was looking for the woman who’d give him the other gender. But once the man has both male and female, in some cultures, it’s said he’s looking for twins or triplets. Again, but what if the man has these, the question becomes “why does a man have tons of children, particularly if he can’t afford them?” Even, if he could afford them, would he have quality time to dedicate to all?
Let’s break the reasons/excuses down further to explore the unresolved wounds, the evolution of society, and the role of both men and women in this trend.
The Deep-Rooted Psychological Factor: Father Wounds and Projection
Many men who feel an obsessive need to father numerous children may be unknowingly responding to deep, unresolved wounds—especially related to their own fathers.
• The Sole Child Syndrome: Men who grew up as only children, especially in lonely or dysfunctional homes, may see having many children as a way to create the large, bustling family they never had.
• Absent or Abusive Fathers: Men whose fathers were either missing or abusive often carry a subconscious fear of repeating the cycle. Ironically, instead of being present fathers to a few children, they overcompensate by having many, sometimes without truly being present in their lives. It becomes a numbers game rather than a relationship-building effort.
True healing should come from therapy, self-reflection, and breaking generational patterns, not from mass procreation
The question then is: Are these men truly interested in fatherhood, or are they trying to fill their own childhood voids? True healing should come from therapy, self-reflection, and breaking generational patterns, not from mass procreation.
The Agricultural Age is Over—So Why the Obsession?
The excuse/reason used to be that the children are needed for help on the farms. But, we are no longer in an era where having many children is economically necessary.
• Then vs. Now: In the past, large families were an asset because children were laborers on farms, and the more children a family had, the more hands they had to work the land. Today, technology and automation have replaced much of the manual labor that once justified large families.
• Reality Check: In the digital and robotic era, success is no longer measured by how many children one has but by how well-prepared those children are for a highly competitive world. A child today needs quality education, emotional intelligence, and parental guidance; things that are harder to provide when a man has too many children to meaningfully engage with.
Despite this, many men still operate under outdated mentalities, treating children as status symbols rather than as individuals requiring deep emotional and financial investment.
This is No Longer a Socioeconomic or Educational Issue
Traditionally, one might assume that having an excessive number of children was either a problem of:
• The poor and uneducated (who lack access to family planning and financial resources), or
• The wealthy and polygamous (who could afford it and saw children as a legacy).
But today, we see this trend across all demographics:
• Poor, middle-class, and wealthy men alike are having large numbers of children, sometimes irresponsibly.
• Highly educated men—doctors, engineers, celebrities, even business tycoons—are no different from the uneducated in this regard.
• Even older men who should know better are continuing to procreate excessively, despite already having multiple children they struggle to connect with.
This is why mass procreation is no longer just a cultural or financial issue—it’s a global behavioral pattern that needs serious examination.
The Religious Factor: Misinterpretation and Misapplication
Islam is often referenced in discussions about large families because of the allowance for multiple wives. However, Islamic teachings specify that a man should only take multiple wives if he can afford to care for them and their children.
• The Quran (Surah An-Nisa 4:3) states: “Marry women of your choice, two, three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly [with them], then only one.”
• This means that polygamy in Islam is conditional and NOT an open invitation for reckless procreation.
Yet, many Muslim men ignore this condition and have multiple wives and children they cannot afford. On the flip side, there are wealthy, devout Muslim men who choose to have only one wife and a small family. This shows that religious justification for large families is often misused to suit personal desires rather than true faith.
So, where does the discrepancy lie? In misinterpretation, cultural influence, and selective religious application. The truth is that many men do what they want and then use religion as an excuse – when in reality, their actions do not align with religious teachings.
Women Are Culpable Too—So What’s Their Role?
This isn’t just a men’s issue. Women play a role in enabling this behavior in several ways:
- Acceptance and Complicity
• Some women knowingly enter relationships with men who have multiple children with different women, believing they will be the exception.
• Others feel trapped due to cultural or religious pressure, thinking they have no choice but to have many children. - Financial and Emotional Dependence
• In some cases, women depend on men financially and have children as a way to secure their place in his life.
• Some women also believe that having more children will make the man stay or love them more—though in reality, it rarely does. - Lack of Education on the Consequences
• Many women are not taught to think beyond immediate emotions or desires.
• They don’t always consider the long-term impact of being a single mother, co-parenting with a man who has multiple other families, or the emotional toll on the children.
How Do We Address This Before It Becomes an Epidemic?
This trend is growing dangerously, (or shall we say that the trend has grown dangerously) and if we do not address it now, we may face a crisis of fatherless homes, emotionally neglected children, and broken societies. So what’s the solution?
- Educate Men on the True Meaning of Fatherhood
• Fatherhood is NOT about how many children you can produce, but how many you can nurture, guide, and provide for.
• More emphasis must be placed on responsible parenting, emotional presence, and financial stability. - Holding Women Accountable
• Women must be educated on the long-term impact of having children with men who are not committed partners or responsible fathers.
• Society must empower women to make better choices, not just emotionally but practically. - Exposing the Psychological and Emotional Wounds
• Many men who compulsively father children are suffering from unresolved father wounds.
• Counseling, therapy, and open conversations about breaking generational cycles should be encouraged. - Challenging Cultural and Religious Misinterpretations
• Culture and religion should not be used to justify reckless behavior.
• Religious leaders must correctly teach what their texts actually say about responsible parenting and polygamy.
Final Thoughts: Time for a Mindset Shift
The world is changing, and so must our views on fatherhood. Having numerous children is not inherently wrong—but when it’s done without responsibility, love, and genuine involvement, it creates more problems than it solves. I must add that it is humanly impossible to qualitatively father every child in a multi-children household.
This is not just a poor man’s issue.
This is not just a Muslim issue.
This is not just a cultural issue.
This is a societal issue that needs urgent attention.
Until men and women start prioritizing quality over quantity, we will continue to see broken homes, neglected children, and a generation that repeats the same mistakes. The time for change is now.
What do you think? How do we shift this mindset before it spirals further? Let’s discuss! Got suggestions, put them in the Comments. Thank you,
Think-Talk 