There are few things more heart-wrenching for a parent, especially a mother, than watching their children—once close, bonded by shared memories, secrets, and laughter—drift apart or worse, become estranged. When adult siblings stop speaking to one another, it doesn’t just affect them; it pierces the parent’s heart in ways words can barely express. They wonder what went wrong, if they could have done something differently, and how to fix a brokenness that they may not have caused but certainly feel responsible for.
It’s different when they were younger. Children don’t keep malice nor know how to. One minute they’re fighting, and the next, it’s as if nothing ever happened.
But, having squabbling adults is a different ballgame; an eyesore, and an earful.
So what does a parent do in such a painful situation?
- Accept What You Cannot Control
The hardest but most important realization is this: you cannot force reconciliation. Your children are now adults. They make their own decisions, have their own perspectives, and live with their own emotional boundaries. As a mother, my first instinct is to mediate, but that may be perceived as trying to “fix it,” which sometimes can do more harm than good.
Acknowledge the situation for what it is without placing blame on yourself.
“I raised them to love each other. What happened?”
That’s a natural question, but it’s not always about upbringing. Sometimes life circumstances, differing values, past hurts, or even misunderstandings create divides between siblings.
- Avoid Taking Sides
As tempting as it might be to defend the one you feel is more “right” or to feel sympathy for the one who seems more hurt, taking sides usually deepens the rift. Instead, aim to remain a safe and neutral space. Let each child know they are loved and heard, regardless of the conflict. When both children feel supported without judgment, it increases the chances that healing might someday occur.
- Keep the Door of Communication Open
Even when they aren’t speaking to each other, you can still maintain open and honest communication with each of them. Check in regularly. Express your love. Ask questions when appropriate. If they talk about the conflict, listen with empathy—but again, without fanning the flames or becoming the messenger between parties.
- Model Reconciliation and Humility
One of the most powerful things parents can do is model forgiveness and peacemaking in their own lives. Whether it’s reconciling with an old friend, showing grace to a family member, or admitting when you’re wrong, these actions serve as quiet examples. Adult children often need to see humility in practice before they’re willing to embody it themselves.
- Plant Gentle Seeds
From time to time, if the moment feels right, you can gently remind them of the bond they share—the shared childhood, the parents who love them, the fragility of time. Simple words like:
“You don’t have to be best friends again overnight. But don’t let pride or pain rob you of a lifetime of memories yet to be made.”
Sometimes, all it takes is a seed—spoken in love, not guilt—that will later bloom when the heart is ready.
- Pray or Meditate (If You’re Spiritual)
Many parents turn to faith or spiritual practices during times of distress. Whether it’s prayer, meditation, or simply releasing the burden to a higher power, these practices can help soothe your heart and give you peace, even if the situation remains unresolved.
- Protect Special Occasions
Birthdays, holidays, weddings, and other family milestones can become sources of anxiety when siblings are not on speaking terms. It’s okay to establish boundaries and expectations for these events to maintain peace. You can let your children know that while you respect their decisions, you hope they can coexist peacefully during moments that matter to the entire family.
- Hold On to Hope
Rifts between siblings can last months, years—even decades—but they don’t have to be permanent. Life has a way of softening hearts over time. A tragedy, a health scare, or simply growing older can lead people to reevaluate their priorities. Until then, don’t give up hope. Love has a way of circling back.
What does a parent do if one refuses to talk to the parent?
That situation cuts even deeper.
When one adult child not only stops speaking to their sibling but also refuses to speak to their parent, the pain takes on a whole new level. The silence is deafening, and the emotional rejection feels personal, even if the reasons aren’t entirely clear. Here’s what a parent can do in such a heartbreaking scenario:
- Resist the Urge to Chase
Your instinct might be to call, text, email, or show up. While it comes from love, too much pursuit can feel invasive to the one creating distance. Respect their space, even when it’s painful. This doesn’t mean giving up—it means stepping back just enough to allow room for them to return on their own terms.
- Send Love Without Demands
A short message every now and then—no expectations, no guilt—can go a long way:
“I love you. I’m here whenever you’re ready.”
It reminds them the door is open without pressure. Even if they don’t respond, don’t underestimate the impact of gentle, unconditional love over time.
- Reflect Honestly—but Don’t Self-Blame
Ask yourself if anything may have triggered the silence. If so, be willing to acknowledge it. If you’ve already apologized or tried to make amends, you’ve done your part. But if you don’t know the reason and they won’t tell you, don’t carry the weight alone. Sometimes people withdraw because of internal struggles that have little to do with you.
Mothers, especially, often carry silent grief because they don’t want to speak negatively about their children.
- Focus on the Children Who Are Present
This may sound harsh, but it’s healthy: love the ones who are still close. Don’t let the grief over one distance you from the others. Your emotional well-being matters, and pouring love into the relationships that are still open can even inspire the estranged one to return someday.
- Seek Support for Yourself
Talk to a counselor, a spiritual leader, or a trusted friend. Mothers, especially. often carry silent grief because they don’t want to speak negatively about their children. But you need a place to unpack your emotions so they don’t turn into bitterness or depression.
- Pray, Hope, and Release
If you’re a praying parent, this is the time to lay it all before God. Pray not just for reunion, but for peace in the waiting. Sometimes all you can do is surrender what you can’t control and trust that time, love, or life’s turns will eventually bring them back.
Remember:
Estrangement doesn’t erase love.
Distance doesn’t mean your role as a parent is over.
Silence today doesn’t mean silence forever.
Final Thoughts
A parent’s anguish over divided children is a quiet grief that often goes unspoken. But know this: your love still matters. Even if your children aren’t speaking to each other, your consistent, gentle presence can be a bridge—maybe not walked on today, but one that stands ready when they’re willing.
Let your love be the anchor, your prayers the fuel, and your hope the light that guides them back to one another.
Think-Talk 